1966 Ford Mustang

What’s That Burning Oil Smell?(originally written in like, 1998 or so. I got rid of the ol’ rustfucker in ’04) There are many resources on the web for the general motor-car enthusiast. Many places to learn about specific cars, such as early model Mustangs.  There are even valuable resources that deal specifically with the 6-cylinder model.  Why, I’m sure there’s even a page somewhere that deals specifically with red ones.  But nowhere, and I mean nowhere else on the entire world wide web, is there a page that deals specifically with my car.  Until now.

This page is here to joyously celebrate my stinky, un-shiny daily-driver piece o’ junk.  There are no concourse-quality reproduction hose clamps in this car.  There is no restomod fibreglass hood scoop on this car.  There is no clean and neat engine compartment in this car. Hell, there’s barely any floor in this car. No, dear friends, this car has bolt heads sticking out of the fenders like Frankenstien’s neck. This car has POR-15 slathered over metal tape-covered holes.  This car has a butchered dash, shredded carpet, and more coats of old spraypaint than you can shake a…well, shake a can of spraypaint at. This car has an inline 6 that drives like it’s missing 2. This car needs things. Many many things. Like maybe a new frame, body and engine.  Birds fall from nearby trees as I drive by them – the proverbial canaries in my proverbial coalmine.  My feet get wet when it rains. I am unable to transport my rocking music gear to my rocking rock shows, as my amp is bigger than the passenger compartment. My girlfriend won’t ride in it. One hot summer drive to Haverhill required the heater to be on full blast the entire trip, as she was overheating like a sonofabitch. (Ehhhhh…. the Mustang, not my girlfriend. Jesus, dude….) The hood looks like a constellation map done in relief. The steering’s awful and the transmission leaks and there’s mold growing in the carpet. My manly affection for this car is neverending.

This car was purchased in 1998, and over the past four years, I’ve banged enough gunk and dirt and old dried-up sealant out of it to make a life-sized mud-man replica of myself. I’ve named him “Mud-Tom” and I’ll hopefully be posting pictures of him real soon. The ol’ stang (or “Mustank”, as she is often called) was a Connecticut car; a Tasca Ford. Yes, that means I should’ve probably known a little something about cars before approaching this rust-whore, but I bought it anyhow. It was a saggy-ass mess. Springs were sprung, metal was rotted. The rear valance was rusted in two, the lower quarters were lumpy and bloated, the rear end slightly pushed in. It looked like the trunk had  pooped its pants.

But all that really mattered was that I had a ’66 gascap I’d held onto since I was 14 or so, and I’ll be damned if this car didn’t need one of those, too.

Someday, I hope to have brakes.

ESSENTIALS: YOUR SHOPPING LIST
If you decide to buy an old classic car, first purchase the following items:

POR-15, some great rubber stuff.  get it on your hands, wear non-removeable gloves for a week. Your girlfriend/wife won’t love you for it, but she probably doesn’t love you anyhow. Sorry, dude.

Anything from the Solder Seal Gunk Company. – whatever is in a particular can, you will probably need it.

A Big Hammer – hitting things fixes most problems

Metal Tape – It’s classier than duct, with just a hint of solidness.   It is farce & illusion, of course.

A Catalog. Any Catalog. – I think I learned more from my Mustangs Unlimited catalog than I did from my Chilton’s.  Especially useful when you can’t figure out the name of a part. And where else are you going to get your fake “Ford Parking Only” street sign for your driveway?  Or your “Ford Racing” keychain?  Or your Commemorative Mustang Throw Pillow? Or some other embarrassing piece of crap?

A Wrist Support – Be prepared to wave at every other guy that drives by you who is driving a car similar to yours. I swear, I never realized how many Mustangs were around my neck of the woods until I started driving mine around. Now I’m waving all the time. You have to wave. It would be rude not to. I feel like the goddamned Pope.
DOs and DON’TsHere are a few handy tips to help you get your ol Mustang roadworthy and make it so it’s only slightly dangerous to the general public:
DO replace absolutely every part, regardless of price.
DON’T ever ask for help from a more experienced mechanic, because it makes you look weak and feeble.
DO hit any part that isn’t working with a hammer (see above shopping list)
DO take deep full breaths when working on brakes. This will minimize the possibility of suffering from exhaustion. Avoid the use of masks or airfilters, as they will constrict oxygen flow to your large hungry brain.DO save money when you can. Instead of buying the high-grade gasoline, try Hawaiian Punch.
DON’T ever rev the engine until the oil pressure has risen to the proper level.
DO rev the engine when you’re at a stop light next to a low-riding Honda Prelude. Just don’t race him. Your car will explode.
DON’T drive near people. Your car will explode.