Stupid Ads For Idiots

Have you ever noticed how hard it is for advertisers to convincingly push their products on consumers? It’s usually because, upon the slightest bit of reflection, the product is revealed to be rather pointless. It’s so pointless, in fact, that advertisers will go to great lengths of entertainment to disguise the fact that the latest feature/advancement/innovation isn’t really worth mentioning in the first place. “New” is almost never new, and sometimes “improved” is just the old product repackaged. Let’s take a look at two random ads because I’m bored and it’s late and I’m typing.

Let’s examine the amazing 4G L-something from whoever the fuck made this ad:

It’s hilarious, right? It’s a couple of decent sight gags that might entertain you, and possibly you will even remember the name of the product a few minutes later. Some ad agency did a fine job of filling some air time. But stop and really think about this ad for a second: There is not a single valid reason given in this advertisement why a person would need the blazing fast speeds of 4G (whatever that is) instead of their current hum-drum boring ol’ run-of-the-mill 3G (fucking LOSERS). This ad depicts two men performing insignificant tasks slightly more efficiently than the people around them. It is emptiness surrounded by meaninglessness. What I like about this ad is that it seems like the writers are just barely suppressing their contempt for the characters, and by extension, the consumer. They seem to be saying: YOU NEED TO BUY THIS FUCKING USELESS TRINKET BECAUSE IF NOT YOU’LL BE THE CUNT WITHOUT ONE. Envy: tried and true since the first Sears catalog.

Look! A red car falling from really high!

It’s a completely random stunt that provides an attention-getting visual (you actually get to see the car in these uncharacteristically long shots, so at least it beats those Fiat 500 commercials that show more Jennifer Lopez and scenery than vehicle). Not only that, this ad shows the viewer an actual real automobile (unlike those damned CGI Yaris ads from a few years back that made me want to headbutt myself). It’s too bad the design of the vehicle is so bland and unmemorable you probably won’t be able to tell it apart from some other red car with… like, doors or whatever. The product has been placed in a fantastic, almost fictional environment. Does it get good mileage? Can I parallel park it? How’s the safety rating? Doesn’t matter. How about MP3 players and GPS and cup holders and programmable seat positions and all that other mobile-living-room bullshit? Doesn’t matter, either. THIS CAR’S ALL UP IN THE AIR AND SHIT, MAN. BE FUCKING DAZZLED. Watching this advertisement reveals only one thing about the Chevy Sonic: You have learned absolutely nothing about the Chevy Sonic. Well, except that it has a slightly less stupid name than the Chevy Cruze. And that we don’t get the satisfaction of seeing this Chevy Run Deep… into the desert floor.

Advertising is not about informing the consumer. I know that. Good lord, the last thing an advertiser would want is an informed consumer. Advertising is entertainment. But hell, even those vacuous shit-awful ear-fucking Old Navy ads actually show you products and mention prices. The best that the companies above can hope for is word-of-mouth. “Buzz.” Name recognition. Going Viral. But good luck with that, right? I mean, what kind of moron is going to tweet or blog about these dipshit ads? I mean, what the f— Oh, excuse me. My phone’s ringing. Just a sec… Hello? Oh, hey. What’s up? …Huh. Yeah, I’m writing about dumb ads for my bl… Yeah, I know. Right now. I’m typing as I talk to you, which is a bit weird bu-… What? WHAT DO YOU MEAN

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