Here’s a film review of Cherry 2000, which I wrote way-back-when for the noshadowkick.com website (this should not be confused with the Boston band Cherry 2000, which was blessed with excellent cover art by Mister Reusch). I’m posting it here because my friend Kustom Kitten was just live-tweeting a viewing of the film, and I was flooded with blurry VHS memories of this bona fide film classic. So, now, in 2012, please enjoy this movie review I wrote in 2001 for a movie from 1987 with the year 2000 in the title even though it was set in the year 2017…
Driving around in the middle of the night in the middle of the desert in a tricked-out Knight-Industried Mustang with the headlights off is fucking tough. Period. It’s even better if Melanie Griffith is driving. It’s best because it’s the young, more babe-ish Melanie Griffith and not the sort of icky, easily unlikeable Melanie Griffith that walks among us today, replete with her Banderas-inflicted thigh bruises. The only reason I like her in this movie is because I saw it when I had a super-huge girl-sized crush on Molly Ringwald. This was a while ago, mind you. Serious, I had the issue of Time with MR on the cover and everything. Anyway, Melanie Griffith in Cherry 2000 is like Sixteen Candles gone ass-whuppin’. Shit. Let’s talk C2K.
If there is one thing that American culture shares with our friends to the East, it is the undying fascination & infatuation with Hot Female Sex Robots. Perhaps if this particular strain of hormone-induced science fiction had existed in the 40’s, we could have avoided the horribly bloody World War II and the national dishonor of Pearl Harbor, the movie. Cherry 2000 does indeed have Hot Female Sex Robots, but thankfully, they’re not actually in the movie alot, and when they are, well, they’re just sorta funny. Fortunately, the movie does include many a shot of a burned-up, jacked-up ’66 Mustang with some sorta jet-exhaust pipe coming out of the license plate area. Lotsa switches and gizmos inside, too. When I first ran across this movie on WLVI channel 56 in the late 80’s, I fell in love. No not the whole Molly Ringwald thing forget I mentioned that I’m talking about the car. Not shiny, not chromed-out. Just a bad-ass desert beater. They’re probably still banging sand out of that hood. It was glorious. The fucking car got hit with a missile and caught on fire. It was the swellest. I couldn’t fathom how she could so casually abandon the car in that big water pipe thing. The crane thing I never quite understood. And then they trade it for a damned plane with big cartoon wheels? C’mon! Is this really the post-apocalyptic muscle car desert gang movie genre I know and love so well? Who’d do that? Who?
Me and Shawn were both reminded of Ice Pirates when the C2K gang was heading for the stupid plane. Gonna have to dig that piece of crap up to find out what the exact relation was, as neither of us could actually recall. I suppose it could be the whole Robert Urich/Spenser: For Hire/ classic Mustang connection. Or at least there was a connection, until the producers of Spenser pussied out because the floor was falling out of his sweet ride. AWWW!! INT DAT TOO BAD!!! OOOOHH! LIL BOBBY URICH FALL GO BOOM!!!! AWWWWW! There’s no way Spenser would drive that crappy late 80’s Mustang he got stuck with. No fucking way. That’s like accusing the Commish of taking payola.
Cherry 2000 has recently been reissued on DVD, though I suspiciously arch an eyebrow at anyone who would feel the need to see a digitally crisp version of this essentially crap movie. Get the VHS tape for like, $3 at a pawn shop. It was good enough for all them UHF stations, it’s good enough for you.
– Tom, June 19, 2001
CHERRY 2000, AT A GLANCE
COOL OLD CARS? no. no, not a single one.
MAN TRIUMPHS OVER TECHNOLOGY? After he tries pulling her skirt up on the kitchen floor, yes.
BEST LINE: “Well, you can go shit in your hat.”
FUTURE SUPER MEGA STAR FEATURED IN BIT ROLE? Do you think that’s air you’re breathing?
WORTH OWNING? If it’s less than $5, you got yourself one hell of a movie.
RELATED VIEWING: MAD MAX, ROAD WARRIOR, FIREBIRD 2015, ICE PIRATES